He just freaking left me home! He asked, do you want to go to the
ocean and meet my friends there? I said, no, you know I hate the
ocean, it's windy and cold, and I am still sick. He asked, do you
want to stay home then? I said, no, I don't; but the ocean, I don't
like it, you know it. He said, yeah, I know. He said again, OK then,
see you later. And just freaking left.
What about calling your friends and suggesting meeting somewhere
else?
He took the car, he could not have gone otherwise. But, fact is, we
only have one. Which leaves me without one, and home, and alone. What
am I supposed to do? Just what am I supposed to do? Cannot drive to
see anyone, cannot go shopping, cannot go anywhere. Reading? I have
read all week long... Cleaning? No, thanks, that's enough for my
Mondays. Cooking? The fridge is empty. TV? Overdosed already. I might
walk to the park, except.... it's raining... and we don't have am
umbrella, because who needs an umbrella in California? Sometimes I
wish I had some hobbies, like painting, or playing any instruments.
It would keep me busy. But I don't. I just am, dull; a pretty face; a
decent socialite; a good fashion sense; but not much more. This is
why, I think, he just freaking left me home.
Which takes me back to all those other men who left me home. Or
better, left me behind.
Matt, my safe harbor. He was in love with me for so long. But I
wanted to explore the world, because I knew he would wait for me, and
always be there. And he was for a long while. The long while it took
me to realize I actually did not want to explore anything or waste
any more minutes. The long while it took me to realize that he
was the only world I wanted, and exploring on my own wasn't fun.
Except that, when I looked for him to tell him, he had moved on, and
left me behind.
Or Paul, the boxer. He had just broke up when he made his move.
Again, I was head over heels. And he seemed happy, until he told me
he was dating his ex again. While dating me! Which led to the
inevitable next step: he dumped me. But I let him know he broke my
heart. After a few months we talked, and he apologized. He said he
had made his move on me out of anger. He told me I was a great girl,
but he was still in love wit his ex all along . Ouch. He said, You
won, anyway. I said, what do you mean? He said, you see, I used you,
just to appease my anger. I said, what you are saying now is not
making you look any better. He said, I know; I am sorry. I said, I
was the one who ended up brokenhearted, so why do you think I won? He
said, the thing is, I mistreated you so badly; I won you over then
got rid of you as soon as my ex gave me another chance. I said, I
remember. He said, I was selfish; I wanted to be selfish; I did not
care about how you would feel. I said, I got over it. He said, this
is the point; you forgave me, while I still hate my ex – she had
dumped him again. Oh well, I guess that's make up for a broken
heart...
And Ben, the teacher. He bought me roses once, and once took me out
to a concert. He would call me pretty often. Ah, romance. But the day
I told him I was not in love with him, he answered, I am not either!
What did you think? I said, well, I don't know.... He said, you are
some piece of work, you know? I said, I'm sorry, I did not mean to
assume anything... He said, too late, I didn't like it; I think I
don't like you. And left. Never heard of him again. What about that?
And Steven, my coworker. He was cute. A bit too put together, if you
asked me, but hey, definitely cute. I think he liked me from the
beginning, but it took him some time to ask me out. And when he did,
I was trying to get over my last flop, so I turned him down as gently
as I could. But as soon as I felt I could date again, I went back to
him, and tried to remind him of his invitation. And he turned a deaf
ear on me! Well, maybe this is half- half.
Anyway, the list goes on and on. Now that I think about that I have
been left behind quite a few times... And I have always thought it
was them to blame, those unreliable, hurtful, proud men. It never
crossed my mind it might have been me, I might not have been
good enough. Never! Naïve. Because, you know, this rainy afternoon
when my husband left me home is getting me to think: is it them? Or
is it me? It is that I have no depth? No three, or four, dimensions?
No interests? No talents? I definitely should take up painting. But I
think I might do bad, as I always miss the bigger picture. Maybe I
should become a nature lover and try and enjoy hiking on these
wonderful hills - except, I am really, really scared of
mountain lions. And rattlesnakes. And bears. What about …. Hm...
Well, I think I have done enough thinking for today. Too much
already. Come to difficult conclusions. Hard truths. How will I get
back to be happy about myself? About what I am and what I am not?
Where will I find peace? Well. For today I think I'll just buy myself
some peace on the Amazon....
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